Just trying to process it all...

Wow...don't even know where to start...the last few days have been kind of crazy. Weird sleep patterns have led to extreme tiredness. Not to mention...I just feel like my body chemistry is out of balance. Funny how you become more aware of an imbalance as you get older. Mentally...there's a lot of stuff going on right now too and I'm really just trying to process it all. Transitioning into the new job and out of the old job is not an easy task. I feel like I've been on the defense for the past year. Now that I have this new job, that defense is no longer needed, so I can let my guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable again. Oh wait...I still work for that old place. Wall goes back up. It's so confusing. Sounds so simple, but really...it is confusing. It's amazing how quickly I forget that I have to have my defenses up...but believe me, if I forget...I'm quickly reminded as soon as I walk in the door. It's actually quite exhausting. I'm trying so hard to leave there with others holding a good impression of me. I don't want 'short-timers disease' as someone mentioned today...another person said...'who cares, you don't need to work, your outta here'...but that's just not cool. That's not who I am, nor is it how I want others to perceive me...but at the same time...I just can't get or keep myself motivated to do anything. I'm so outta there! Geez...what to do? God is really trying to teach me lessons of submission and it is super hard!! The first lesson being that I really just need to keep my mouth shut. Not everyone out there wants, nor needs to hear my opinion on any particular matter. Letting go in that area is really tough...especially when it comes to my husband. I trust him, I love him and I have no problem submitting to him in a Godly way....I just tend to forget that submitting to him sometimes means keeping my mouth shut. Just can't do it. I know I need to....and I know God will hold me accountable for NOT keeping my mouth shut...it's just something I'm really struggling with. I'm also having a hard time keeping my mouth shut with my kids. They are at an age, where I don't need to be talking and teaching ALL the time. Sometimes...they just need mom to stop and listen to them....yet my mouth just keeps running. And then there's the people that make me angry or just simply act like raging idiots....yeah...keeping the lips shut is mission impossible in those cases.

Been thinking a lot about new years resolutions. This year is different. Seems to be a year of new beginnings. We're at a new church, I'll be at a new job, we're in a new financial situation....I think I need some new resolutions. Sure...I'll still have weight loss and better money management on there...just as I always have in my adult life....but this year....I'm digging a little deeper. I want to read Gods word more often and for longer periods of time, I want to spend more time with Him on a daily basis. I want all my resolutions to be for reasons that point to Him. I just want my faith to grow stronger. I believe when that happens, everything else from being a better, wife, mother and friend to...whatever...will just fall in place. Once again...I feel like everything is just up in the air. I'm so anxious to see what God will do this coming year...I have a sneaking suspicion its HUGE...whatever it is, I'm ready to be still and know that He is God. I'm ready to learn to keep my mouth shut more often....and I'm ready for Him to take me where He's been wanting to take me for a long time. What that is...no idea...but I'm ready to be prepared for it. Make sense?

Living Proof

Wow. What a day yesterday!! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. So I've been given an opportunity to work with the most amazing organization ever. Check it out. www.breakdownstl.org

For now, I'll just say it's a Faith Based organization.

I'm currently working for the VA. Permanent. Full Time. Government.

In these unstable economic times, need I say more.?

However, I've decided to take that leap of faith and leave the security of the Government. Because God's in charge of my finances, not mortal man. Right? So I get the call night before last that this organization would like to have me on board. And then she gave me salary information. I'm taking a HUGE salary cut to work for them. Lets just say my 'tone' was a little less than 'excited'. I knew I had to go home and tell my husband and I knew what his reaction was going to be. Let me preface with this; The benefits FAR outweigh the pay. And besides that, God has blessed Dodd with an amazing job that takes care of all our needs. So whats the big deal right? Well the enemy found a weak spot in me and ran with it. My fears went crazy. My husbands initial reaction was predictable and I let my emotions get the best of me. But I've taken that leap of faith and I KNOW what God can do when we trust, so I decided, despite my fears, I would move forward. I had butterflies in my stomach the entire time I was writing my letter of resignation. On top of that. I realized I needed to tell my Dad I was leaving the security of the VA. (He played a big part in getting me here and had hopes of me going far in the system) That was probably more emotionally draining than anything. But still I forged ahead. Eyes closed. Believing God would take care of it all.

So I ended my day with one of the worst head-aches I've had in a very long time. Haphazardly praying that God would show himself to me in a big way because....believe me...I needed Him.

So I'm laying in bed trying to get rid of this headache and my phone rings. It's my new boss. She called out of concern because my reaction wasn't what she thought it was going to be. She wanted to make sure I was still wanting to accept the position. We ended up having one of the best conversations (awesome chemistry for two people that have only met one time before) and she was so comforting, confirming and gentle. I can't even BEGIN to tell you how much that meant to me. She addressed all my fears (most of which I hadn't even mentioned to her) and at the end of the conversation asked if she could pray for me. The Holy Spirit was clearly using her mouth to speak to me. It was amazing. Everything that I had wanted to speak to God, (but couldn't because I was so lost in my fears and concerns) was flowing beautifully from her mouth. All I could do was sit there and cry. First because it hit me that this was my BOSS people. PRAYING FOR ME! When you work in a secular environment where speaking of your faith is condemned..it was so refreshing to have my boss praying for me. Then, the shear magnitude of WHAT she was praying about.

I am Living Proof that God speaks audibly to us. Albeit thru other people. He speaks to us.

Once again. I'm amazed. And honored to serve such an amazing God. I am truly loved.

Never Gonna Steal My Joy!

There is a song that I just can't seem to get out of my head today. Oddly enough written by Matthew West (I believe) and performed by Mandisa. It's called Never Gonna Steal My Joy. And it is my mantra today! For months I have been praying for more time at home with my girls, more time to do things for church and a job that has meaning behind it. Today, God has granted me that wish. I should be on cloud 9 telling the world about what He has done....and yet here I sit...worrying. See the pay isn't quite what I hoped for. But it doesn't matter. It's enough. And I have an opportunity to be a part of an incredible organization that has the ability to change lives. So for today. I'm CHOOSING not to give the enemy power... (thanks Cindy) and to keep my Joy. Because God has blessed me. Abundantly. Thank You Holy Spirit for that song in my head! Here are some of the words for anyone interested:

I look at my life and I still can't believe it
How did I make it to where I stand now
You don't understand
I was up against the whole world
And all I could feel was it breaking me down
but out of a hopeless situation
There came a song of Redemption

Life may push my heart to the limit
But I won't let go of the joy in my soul
Cause Everything can change in a minute
and the world may try
but they're never gonna steal my joy.

So get up, stand up and rise above it
If every plan
That you make goes so wrong
You don't have to give into the struggle
You may be down but don't stay there for long
In every Hopeless situation
theres a song of redemption

ok...so Sunday was awesome! We were fortunate to have played for The Albert Pujols Family Foundation fundraiser in STL. Lots of celebrity's there (most of whom we didnt get to talk to) :( but still...it was an awesome night. A few months back, we had a 'guest singer'....he was someone who was recommended to us by a friend...he came out to sing with us, did a great job and then went off to do his own thing...his name is Neal Boyd. Most of you know him as Neal E. Boyd winner of this years America's Got Talent. Well he was there...and he hasn't changed a bit...maybe a little more confident in himself...which is a good thing. But of course..I forgot to bring my camera with me during break, so Matt had to take a pic on his cell phone...I'll post that later...but the good news...is that Matt went to College with Matthew West, who was also at the fundraiser...SUPER nice guy!! I didn't forget my camera then (I would have gone thru a blizzard to get my camera for this one). For those of you who know me...you know that I am THE (albiet self-proclaimed) Number 1 Natalie Grant Fan! Well...Mr. West writes a lot of the music she sings. He also writes quite a bit for Mandisa, in addition to having an awesome CD of his own. So down to earth and just really a pleasant guy. Enjoy the pics.

Do I do

ok...so there's a verse in Romans...the do I do verse. Anyone with me? Why do I constantly fall back into old behaviors and patterns? I've read all the books, I've given things over to God...and yet...here we are again. Same behaviors, same ole story...just a different day. Let me explain. So I'm doing this awesome bible study at church each Wednesday...and one of the goals in this group is to read daily from Gods word. Even if its just for a few minutes...just read. That's it. 168hours in a week...what's 15 min a day for God? I WANT to read every day, the desire is there. At the beginning of every week I have every intention of sitting down and reading...and when I actually DO read, I come out of it feeling refreshed, closer to God, and a little bit accomplished...that I did what I said I was going to do. Then I let life get in the way. Emails to check, Facebook to update, work for 8hrs, gigs on the weekends, kids to homeschool, tivo to watch and now twitter (geez, who got me started on that??!!!) what is 15min a day? right? So here it is....Tuesday night and well...lets just say I've come extremely short of my goal this week. I know how important it is to read from His word daily. And I am confident that one day I will be there. The enemy will creep in and find ways to chip away at my time. I really need to pray about that. I've asked someone to keep me accountable...I guess I need to ask her to amp up her efforts. For now anyway. Anyone out there with suggestions?