Just trying to process it all...

Wow...don't even know where to start...the last few days have been kind of crazy. Weird sleep patterns have led to extreme tiredness. Not to mention...I just feel like my body chemistry is out of balance. Funny how you become more aware of an imbalance as you get older. Mentally...there's a lot of stuff going on right now too and I'm really just trying to process it all. Transitioning into the new job and out of the old job is not an easy task. I feel like I've been on the defense for the past year. Now that I have this new job, that defense is no longer needed, so I can let my guard down and allow myself to be vulnerable again. Oh wait...I still work for that old place. Wall goes back up. It's so confusing. Sounds so simple, but really...it is confusing. It's amazing how quickly I forget that I have to have my defenses up...but believe me, if I forget...I'm quickly reminded as soon as I walk in the door. It's actually quite exhausting. I'm trying so hard to leave there with others holding a good impression of me. I don't want 'short-timers disease' as someone mentioned today...another person said...'who cares, you don't need to work, your outta here'...but that's just not cool. That's not who I am, nor is it how I want others to perceive me...but at the same time...I just can't get or keep myself motivated to do anything. I'm so outta there! Geez...what to do? God is really trying to teach me lessons of submission and it is super hard!! The first lesson being that I really just need to keep my mouth shut. Not everyone out there wants, nor needs to hear my opinion on any particular matter. Letting go in that area is really tough...especially when it comes to my husband. I trust him, I love him and I have no problem submitting to him in a Godly way....I just tend to forget that submitting to him sometimes means keeping my mouth shut. Just can't do it. I know I need to....and I know God will hold me accountable for NOT keeping my mouth shut...it's just something I'm really struggling with. I'm also having a hard time keeping my mouth shut with my kids. They are at an age, where I don't need to be talking and teaching ALL the time. Sometimes...they just need mom to stop and listen to them....yet my mouth just keeps running. And then there's the people that make me angry or just simply act like raging idiots....yeah...keeping the lips shut is mission impossible in those cases.

Been thinking a lot about new years resolutions. This year is different. Seems to be a year of new beginnings. We're at a new church, I'll be at a new job, we're in a new financial situation....I think I need some new resolutions. Sure...I'll still have weight loss and better money management on there...just as I always have in my adult life....but this year....I'm digging a little deeper. I want to read Gods word more often and for longer periods of time, I want to spend more time with Him on a daily basis. I want all my resolutions to be for reasons that point to Him. I just want my faith to grow stronger. I believe when that happens, everything else from being a better, wife, mother and friend to...whatever...will just fall in place. Once again...I feel like everything is just up in the air. I'm so anxious to see what God will do this coming year...I have a sneaking suspicion its HUGE...whatever it is, I'm ready to be still and know that He is God. I'm ready to learn to keep my mouth shut more often....and I'm ready for Him to take me where He's been wanting to take me for a long time. What that is...no idea...but I'm ready to be prepared for it. Make sense?